Lifecatcher

I have no idea.

The afternoon here is so pretty and beautiful and just laid back that I have no idea if I’ve suddenly warped into Pleasantville or if I’m going to die of boredom and just drop DEAD HERE.

I’ve been doing the normal cleaning stuff, that HEY, I’M FEELING LIKE AN OLD PERSON ALREADY.

Thank God for Maritime, rock music, internets and MS word.

Question of the day: Well, how do you while away afternoons?

Answer me.

FINE. I do not want to sound all huffy and emo and sad about the camp experience, so I’ll also talk about the fun part of camp.

Or, should I say, the other camp I went to. KIDS CAMP! YAY!

No, I am above 13 years old, thanks so much. I went there as a counselor, and this was not entirely forced on me. I was, to begin with, fine with the thought of going as a counselor on the kids camp. I LIKE WORKING WITH KIDS. They’re real, unpretentious and so much more genuine than any adult you’ll ever meet. Unless you meet an adult who is, like, emotionally genuine.

All righty. Camelot was asking for my thoughts on kids camp, and YES FINE I WILL POST OKAYS?

Kids camp: AWESOMENESS X INFINITY.

The day before kids camp was a day at home, the day after the uber-stressful older people’s camp. HA.

The day at home involved cleaning, packing new stuff into the traveling bag, looking around for the things that were needed and then internet. But internet connection totally sucked and therefore I had a week full of internet anti-socialness. WHICH IS NOT SOMETHING I DO ON A REGULAR BASIS.

The day of the camp invovled me being late. Again. Because I slept so deep (this being said by me, who is afflicted with a bad case of insomnia) that I did not hear the alarm, my mom’s first holler, and had to be shouted at for the nth time to wake up.

Same old thing, grab the traveling bag, jump into clothes, rush rush rush! And of course, life was being utterly hateful that day, and it sent a big wave of traffic jams our way.

I feel bad that I was late and i think, i think, that the bus had to leave late because I was late. On the way to the church I was frantically calling, texting, attempting to communicate wit hanyone who was there. WHOOPS. No signal, they could’nt hear me, or something.

Life was probably pms’ing that day.

The bus ride was so much more eventful than the first bus ride! I sat at the back, with the noisy kids who were not annoying at all. Honestly. And everyone was just so talkative and fun and HAHA, I’m probably immature because I find that I get along with most kids consciously than I do with people who are my age.

Then again, I instantly get along with older people. At the youth camp, I was talking to a woman counselor (around 30s, or 20s, she was an engineer and in a company and had taken up her masteral at the UP) about business, work ethics, management, and such, and we talked for a good 2 hours. WOULD YOU BELIEVE THAT?

Back to the matter at hand.

Kids camp was fun, I loved herding the kids around (I suspect many of them have developed a Pavlovian response to the whistle I brought), teaching them about God *cue holy light and angel choir music* and just being there in general.

BUT. What I enjoyed most was after 9 pm. 9pm was the kids time to sleep, and the young counselors (US!) stayed up until late-night for the two consecutive nights and talked and laughed and was generally awesome and fun! I made good friends there, (the young counselors were from the youth- Well, I never thought i’d see such fun and down-to-earth people from that group.) just being ourselves and laughing until beyond mid-night.

In short: he kids camp was one of the best things I had ever done! And i’m quite happy that the not getting into UP made me go to that camp instead- I wouldn’t have gotten the chance to speak to those impressionable (i can’t think of another word) people, who otherwise, I would have just ignored every sunday.

Kids camp=AWESOME.

I know i said that already. SHUT UP.

In other words, giving up.

I for one, have never felt the overwhelming feeling of alone, alone, alone in the bad way and now, now, now! and urgency and the feeling that maybe life in general is leaving me fast behind and the only way I can catch up to it is if i keep moving.

Keep riding the train, the jeepneys, the cars, ride on airplanes, boats, buses, walk on, and just catch up.

This is a horrible feeling, like you’ve got to see the whole world, meet the real people who’ll actually listen, meet places where you’ll feel as if you never left it to begin with.

But at the same time it feels crazily enthralling.

Hmm. I wonder if it’s just my traveling side acting up.

There is such a thing as giving up, when everything you’ve got ends up old and gone.

Before I begin my hopefully short account of the reformation camp youth camp I went to, I would like to ask all Filipinos who are reading this at this exact moment:

HAVE YOU VOTED?

Vote people. I would if I was of legal age, but I am not. Secure this country’s future, just a little at least. Partying can wait, especially for the "young" ones. There’s still a liquor ban. Until today only. COME ON. Vote first. If you have voted, then you have my, um, approval?

Right. My own account of the trip.

The morning started especially wrong, because I set the phone to alarm at 5:30 am. It either did not ring or I was too tired to even hear it. Anyway, my mother hollers at me to wake up, and tells me to hurry. That was around 6 am. The bus ride was supposed to leave at 6:30. Being screamed at 6 am is not exactly the most feel-good thing to happen to anyone.

Blah blah, I hurried to dress, grabbed the one traveling bag I packed, took the MP3 player (for which I will be glad for later), my elder brother’s digital camera and promptly forgot the charger for its battery. (Way to go.) That fact (the forgetting the charger) was especially sad because I saw some REALLY GREAT sights there. I mean, the places where there were no people.

The bus ride took long, but I snapped some okay/nice shots of the mountains. Take a look at my profile photos to see them. I’ve only got one picture of me there, the rest are sceneries.

By the time we got to the retreat house, my ears were already ringing because of the altitude, and partly because of anticipated boredom. There was walking down the cemented trail to the assembly place, which involved heat, sweat, and around 5-10, maybe 3 minutes of walking. Whatever. My sense of time was already screwed by the time we got there. I kept checking my cellphone watch to keep me sane. We were already divided into groups before we left the church, and we were further divided into a semi-different group for the rooms. WE GOT THE ROOM BESIDE THE FRICKIN’ BORDER!

For that, I am happy.

The moment we entered the room, I got first dibs on a spot (I was the first to enter the room) and picked the bed beside the window at the back. If that made sense. Then there was singing and general praise and worship, and incredibly un-stimulating, small groups. Go religion.

But small groups was okay. ("okay" meaning tolerable, no intended insult to anyone) The small groups left me disinterested, even uninterested in whatever concept they were trying to forward to us. Every small group session had me thanking the communication skills we had been taught in our subjects and the speech-making things I had to learn, because i knew that it was crucial for me to at least pretend to listen and communicate back. There was no exception. I credit that kind of habit/thinking to the fact that I am not a group person when it comes to places/people I’d rather not go to. Again, no offense intended to anyone.

I was coerced, after all.

Free time and the "Date with God" (which involved you, and God, and probably a bible and meditation.) was the only parts I preferred the most. One date with God had me climbing out to the freeway to take a look at sunlight, dirt roads, asphalt, concrete, blue sky and the feeling of freedom. I felt so regenerated after the few hours that had drained me, body and soul.

The times I was alone, without any people around me, at the mountain, made me feel so recharged. I felt alone, but not lonely, and I think that was the most important of all-

This in contrast to the fact that during the times I had to be around the people there (around 60-70 people who were my age) i had never felt more alone. That camp was the first time, after a LONG number of years, that I realized how painfully possible it was to feel alone in the middle of so many people.

In my point of view, I had no energy to even try to talk anymore. I did try at lunch of the first day, but everyone looked so masked, so interested only in a good time, that the only part where the concept of group activity and the concept of no pretensions actually happened was during the two evening praise and worship. People there actually seemed to suddenly function as people living out their own lives, free from dictates of society (saying this, while ignoring the fact that an organized group of people under a single belief will usually create its own dictates within the society it is situated in and the society it has created) and the intent on impressions.

I really liked though, the sermons given there. There was the one about impressions, and how the impression you make God is so much more improtant than anyone else’s approval, and that you can’t really impress God. And, I’m too lazy to try to remember the other sermons, but it was fine.

If you’ll notice the God topic here, it’s because it was a religous retreat, if you haven’t gotten the hint yet and are still thinking this is the type of camp where you run, jump, fly and crawl.

The times that I had to be where the people were (and I did not participate in the non-religous group activities, by choice) I whiled away by listening to the handy-dandy, trusty old MP3 player. I put my roadtrip playlist on it, so the whole mind-numbing situation would at least spur my brain to think about better things, like wanting to be out of there and in the road, free. And stuff.

That place was the most traumatic in terms of socialization for me. And i know that sounded weird. But it was! I have never been to a place where everyone is much more likely to be real but ironically, I’ve met more genuine people, who are my peers, outside the walls of a church.

No. I did not get into The University of the Philippines. I am going to stay in the University of Saint Thomas. Or Santo Tomas, for you Filipinos.

I could’ve, perhaps, gotten into fine arts, but my mother thinks that it is unprofitable. Or at least, that writing is so much more important than art.

I must say i’m thankful for that. I’m planning to concentrate on my writing. I’m getting good reviews and such. Hopefully i’ll be good enough to get a book published in the soon future.

Hopefully. Have I told you guys that i was sentenced to reformation camp coerced to go on a youth camp from the church i go to?

I’ll write an entry about that! YES.

It’s really strange how we suddenly realize: It’s been a year already.

WOAH.

And, after feeling like we haven’t done much, we realize just how much time we’ve let pass us by. So, anyway, for those not having a not-so-merry christmas, or merry christmas, or whatever. I hope everything turns for the better for all of us this new year and christmas.

And, yeah, i’m being emo and stuff, but HEY!

I want to thank my f-list right now really, because YOU ROCK SO MUCH YES.
And i give you loads of thank-yous. Really. Even if i haven’t really talked to anyone properly on my f-list, or we are friends because of an org, class or whatever. Thanks! And happy holidays to you all! :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

After the beginning of the second semester, i intended to post random inquiries as to the everyday, ho-hum activities that students endure or simply do willingly day by day.

Then after that, i wanted to post about poetry and Philippine Literature, and what defines a Filipino, and Philippine Literature.

But sadly, right now? I have no time to type because my parent will be screaming at me any second now to stop this and berate me. Gads.

So, instead i post two poems. One that i think defines one of the endpoints of Philippine literature in terms of its character and second, i post a poem i made. YES. I post my crappy poetry. :O

Rebellious Sonnets (2)
-Ricaredo Demetillo

Once as a child I thought God was as near
As Grandma’s icon on the leaning wall
And as benign, for it inclined an ear
As if it were no wood, to listen. All
My heart reposed beneath its candled feet.
The palpitating noons, with longing, brought
Me suppliant, a fugitive from heat,
Before its presence. In its face I sought
A surer kindness that what kin and friends
Could dole me in the hurry of their steps.
Then God receded and I felt the fiends
Howl in my ears as on the day I tipped
The icon with a curious finger, and
I felt ant-pellets leak on my shocked
               child’s hand.

Now for my crappy poetry. Take heed, i shall edit this post in favor of a better, much coherent one.

Emo in a train station
- Me.

In the seemingly endless cemented wormhole,
above the concrete stage,
A sign, purple illuminating
the quiet, tired crowd.

On this strange afternoon morning
(That strange feeling between the sunset and dawn.)
The sign serenely lights the white
letters, murmuring

"Way Out."

And i wonder whether the irony
should make me laugh
as the people strugglingly file in the train
eyes forward, mouths silent.

First off, the everyday, boring me stuff.

I finally re-trained with the TDC. We had a full fledged debate, and I was prime minister. And i did bad. Very, very bad. Debating with almost pros or at least, people with a LOT more experience in debating than me,made me feel nothing short of of being stupid and ineefectual unable. I totally messed up my speech, i didn’t make things clear, and all of us were just trying to grab the argument from each other. I didn’t even make a point of information. OMG. I’m such a loser.

Now, for the probably socially relevant part of my post.

Last night i watched this show on MTV, 8th and Ocean. A show about models trying to make it big in California if i’m not mistaken. Yes, and well in the episode, one of the male models, Vince, he was freaking late for a show, and his agency’s already pissed off at him. He enters around 15 minutes before showtime, then he loiters around the runway (in the dressing room) until it’s almost two minutes before his call, and he still hasn’t got his clothes on, and his makeup’s all messed up.

And i was screaming the whole time: "Stupid idiot! you’re going to lose your damned job! D:"

Right. And anyways, with all the news of Madrid’s fashion week barring skinny models from their runways and such, and this creating a ripple effect in the fashion industry, worldwide, i thought it was obvious more or less, that people and the ‘masses" if you will let me call them such, have sunk to a new low.

Everyone is now too image/fashion/appearance conscious. But not in the sense fo expressing their individuality with how they look like. Everyone (in general), take for example Philippine society, everyone looks oh-so-similar.

Take your pick, a tight-fitting polo shirt with the collar up, a tight-fitting t-shirt with some slogan on it/rocker-type design on it, then a hair-do that may be enough to rival a baby shark, or some other hair-do that look like they were taken out of the pages of a glossy magazine.

My point is that EVERYONE HAS TURNED INTO CLONES OF EACH OTHER.

And this, is very sad. Even individuality is pre-packaged into some marketing stunt, wherein mass media spreads the notion of "individualtiy" as akin to taking styles that are outrageous, but still taken by the majority. In essence, individuality has now turned into nothing.

It’s sad to know that the youth and the adults no longer take into importance the fact that we need to distinguish ourselves from everybody else. Everyone is just content with looking, and acting like everyone else, and this attitude pervades other sectors of society.

As a result, i think that the majority hold ALL the same opinions. For example, i think majority of the people would equate drinking alcohol as a group would equate to a good time.

If everyone holds a similar opinion, how then will there be change? Change can only be spurred only if we choose to deviate from what society percieves as common, same, and possibly acceptable. But here is a sadder fact: If one goes against society, inevitably, one will lose. The system will throw you out.

So what exactly am i trying to say?

Perhaps what i mean is since the majority hold indifference for the factors that affect public safety and security and such, the effect of our "mass media", that is, the effect that it makes it seem better for everyone to hold the same opinion, taste and views.

This effect makes it difficult for us to garner the much needed change in our society as a whole.

The masses now give priority to what clothing or hairstyle would suit themselves than as to what the effect the "War on terror" have on international beliefs. Perhaps now, as a person, you, the reader lavish more importance as to what shirt will make you look good and such, rather than thinking of what effect poverty has on our country.

Present society is built upon the want of luxury. Then wants and desires that people want. Beauty. Present society seems to build on the hatred of hardships, the undesirable, and the dislike of socially relevant matter that which is not important to the world of the stars/rich/popular people and such.

Basically, i am just rambling, and i intended to launch a full post on how the fashion industry and the masses hamper creativity and individual expression. yes, including a little put down on the dolls of this industry, the models.

But whatever, more on that later.

What is important, i think i got a blurry point across.

I mean, change will never happen if we always just go with the flow. We need to delineate from the norms in order for a change to happen. YES. IMHO, at least.

I most definitely am semi-bored.

Anyways, to whomever is going to be reading this, let me greet you a happy(?) All saints day/halloween/hallow’s eve/whatever solstice/any other occasion. (including birthdays.)

Has anyone gone to a cemetery today? In my side of the world, it’s Nov. 1st. And i’m going to be 17 soon. Or is it 16? O_o

Back to the cemetary. Anyone gone yet? I haven’t. I personally believe that i don’t need to pray for the souls of the dead, because they’re dead. I prefer to pray for the one’s they’ve left behind. They’re the ones suffering. Right. Hear me rawr ramble.

Although halloween really makes my skin tingle with some sort of indescribable anticipation. I’m not really sure if it’s frightened anticipation, or just happy anticipation. I don’t think i want to know, but the thing is I’M ANTICIPATING SOMETHING.

Maybe it could be those "ghouls" that keep haunting us, especially on this time of the year (according to some "paranormal" experts.), or maybe it’s the happy/whatever feeling one can get when CHRISTMAS IS NEAR. YAY! *throws confetti*

Christmas. Giving gifts. Spending time with people you care about. Christmas carols. Playing piano pieces of these carols. Chilling out. An excuse to wear cold weather clothing (especially jackets!). An excuse to be kind. Doing all of the above in any random order.

My present university apparently has a nice Christmas thing going on. Usually they string the whole "Lover’s lane" (The park at the entrance) trees with sparkly, glittery, enchanting christmas lights. (Although with the recent Typhoon Milenyo and Super Typhoon Paeng, i wonder if they’re still going to be able to do that.), then they light the whole soccer field, then have rows and rows of food given for free to the students. Or at least something like that.

So this means i get to celebrate christmas with some of my school friends at school. Which makes me feel a bit…blah.

Hmmn.

Oh, don’t mind me, i’m just being random. Me and my brother have been cleaning the stockroom of our house and i have a raging headache. OMG.

So, again, happy halloween/all saints day/ christmas/ hannukah/ birthday/ whatever.

and i am freaking begging you. COMMENT DAMNIT!

Being bored has officially reached an art form.

Only a week left, more or less, before i return to school. YAY! To be honest, semestral break isn’t the "much welcomed rest" I’d been expecting it to be. All it’s given me is:

1. Stress.
-I’m not doing anything. Other than cleaning, cooking, thinking, and just being screamed at, I’m not doing anything. My brain isn’t thinking at all. No brain stimulation. The intellectual one, mind you.
I’m trying to busy myself into writing fics, stories, poetry, even articles. All of which, for me, are boring. It seems all my work has transformed into boring. So yeah, I’m looking forward to the stress of college. And furthermore, the stress of being able to transfer to U.P. (Go me! :D)

2. Tiredness.
-Really, i do get to sleep properly. I don’t have to force myself to wake up at 3 or 4 am to just study Although i really like doing that. because those times make the brain receptive to learning. But i still feel tired at the end of the day.

3. I feel like an idiot.
-During sem break, i feel all the things i learned just POURING out of my brain. At random intervals.

Anyways.
I plan to do several things this second sem. before i even transfer to U.P. hopefully

1.I plan on joining the USTetika. I’ve got the form here. Now, all i need is the work of literary art to finish. This is really freaking me out. I joined for poetry. English poetry. Because i am bad at filipino grammar. But anyway, the deadline? It’s on November 11th, and i have done NOTHING.

I feel so inadequate. D:

2. I NEED to be way more active in TDC. The TDC is UST’s debate council. I haven’t even been asessed yet. All the fiasco and confusion concerning them and their schedules. ACK. I wish TDC officers would actually get their time straight. I don’t really know if there’s training anymore. I used to go to ALL the trainings, and i intend to finish the whole damned training. Now, they don’t even announce in our Yahoo!groups when the training will be. And sadly, i have perpetually no load so i can’t ask them. To top it all off, my mother won’t even let me go to the weekend trainings which i am not sure if it still exists because we end up going there at 8 am then we leave at around 5 or 6 pm. I. Am. Dead. D:

3. I hope i can produce a coherent article for manila bulletin or any other newspaper willing to publish my crap.

4. I need to re-learn french. Why? Because i am now stupid at french and my present vocabulary has shrunk to that of a two-year old french toddler. Plus, my accent sounds way more stupid now than it did when i actually HAD PEOPLE TO TALK TO IN FRENCH. Same goes for japanese. Except i am still fluent in it. Gah. Vocabulary is evil. So is the "Ni" particle form.

5. All my grades need to be flat 1’s. Seriously. I only got 3 1’s this semester out of 9 subjects. My lowest is a 2.75. Two of those to be exact. That’s almost a 3. Oh my freaking god i seriously need to get my grades up. And why did i get a 2 point something in Journalism again? I HAVE NO IDEA. D:

6. I need muses. To write. Seriously. I have nothing to draw upon. Sure there’s H. (Which can stand for either Hatred, Hippie, Heckler, Hustler, Hampered, Hellenic,  or whatever proper noun, common noun, or adjective that can start with an H.) But, yeah aside from that. Nothing.

But Supernatural is coming soon. Which means MORE FICS!

GO ME!!!!!one!!shift+111!!shiftone!eleven!!1!+shift!11!

Now, enrollment. Enrollment is evil. Why does everyone like KORFBALL!? I wanted to get this P.E., but EVERYONE JUST WANTED IT. Enrollment had just opened for around 12, then 10 mins later (that was when i got there) Korfball was ALL FREAKING GONE. So i took softball. It’s better. At least i semi-know how to play it. My schedule?

P.E. is on tuesdays, 9-11 am, then on MWF, it’s from 11am-3pm, then Tth its 1pm-7pm. Still.

Schedule hasn’t changed. The horrors of MANILA AT NIGHT! NOES! The 7 pm slot is annoying me. This makes all of us TIRED.

So, after this retarded post will someone PLEASE COMMENT! EVEN IF IT’S RANDOM! COMMENT!